Bottom-End, Writings and Reviews from Music Producer Pete Strobl

Ah, the 50K question…seems I’ve stepped on a few toes with my last post so let me start by saying that I have no problem with any artist getting their hands on any amount of cash and making any type of recording they are able to in order to make this a more perfect world. Peace brothers and sisters, Peace.

However, I still firmly believe that the former standardized goal of $50,000 on Sellaband’s crowd sourcing music website had more in its favor than otherwise and here’s why I think this is the case:

First of all, some people seem to think that 50K is a lot of money. This is an erroneous assumption when it comes to producing, manufacturing and shipping a recording project. Let me try to put this in perspective as compared with the recordings one is accustomed to hearing in the mainstream media.

50K equals about one month of studio time at LA book rates. Very few hit albums are completed in such a short time frame.

50K will buy you the services of maybe four actual session players (musicians who make their living playing in the studio) for about ten days if you call in a few bigtime favors.

50K represents about one tenth the cash that would guarantee mainstream media placement. Think I’m joking? Here’s a challenge, give me $500K and I’ll get any Sellaband recording placed…and you can pick the artist.

Because of these factors, writing, producing, recording, manufacturing and attempting to promote a project for 50K is already an absurdity. Those who believe 50K to be excessive cite legendary productions or recordings that have achieved cult status which were accomplished on the cheap but most of these are exceptional artists who obviously knew what they were about. That is not at all to say that such an artist does not exist on Sellaband, but a system of standards should exist to serve the needs of a broad cross section of users and not the odd exception.

If I were to put into one sentence my first impression of Sellaband as it was when I first became involved, it would be this:

Sellaband provides previously unknown or unsigned artists an opportunity to interact with experienced producers in a professional environment for what may be their only opportunity at a real world studio experience.

What an artist makes of this opportunity is completely another matter. Perhaps all a band wants is a professional level recording which can be sold at club gigs, weddings and parties. Or a more career minded artist with eyes toward landing distribution on a higher level may wisely choose to record two to four examples of their very best material at the best possible quality that can be had for the budget.The reality that Sellaband does not have the resources to promote its own products renders any related discussion a futile exercise in wishful thinking. As my dear sweet grandmother liked to say, “Wish into one hand and shit in the other. Then tell me which one fills up first.”

Regardless of the motive, withholding cash from the production budget with thoughts of funding promotion is a mistake on two counts. First, the entire 50K wouldn’t serve to promote a whore house in prison. It just isn’t enough money to make anything meaningful happen. Second, for the more serious artist aiming at placement with a major, the production will require every cent of the budget if the recording has any hope at all of comparing favorably with the competition.

Finally, for the artist who has never “been there” so to speak, getting a chance to work on original material in a professional environment can be the culmination of hopes and dreams that once lived only in the realm of fantasy. If one takes the expensive idea of promotion off the menu and concentrates fully on the music, the process itself will be worth the tab. And if all you ever wanted to do was get into a studio and record your music for real, why would you sell yourself short? Why would you want to be in a hurry? Why wouldn’t you use every last dollar of that budget to buy yourself the fulfillment of those frustrating years twiddling at the old 4-track portastudio? Why wouldn’t you suck every drop of goodness out of that time and force them to drag you out of there with your fingernails clinging to the control room door jamb?

There are businessmen who drool when they think of the two weeks they will spend at an exclusive fantasy sports camp, a cushy African safari or an extreme but well-appointed sojourn among the Amazonian tribes. There are celebrities and rich bastards who have become addicted to a yearly stint in a luxury rehab facility. These experiences cost a ton of cash and the people who indulge themselves do so without much thought for the expense. Think about it. with the 50K budget model, musicians can avail themselves of an intense, real world recording experience…and the resulting product is not only debt free, but nobody gets hurt!

I know it’s a stupid question, but why would anyone sell themselves short just to get it done faster? Feel free to comment…this ought to be good. I can already hear the tomatoes smacking my computer screen.

As an early and optimistic supporter of Sellaband, I feel confident in saying that I am not alone in wishing a successful and prosperous 2010 to the company and all of my friends, both virtual and physical, associated with the Dutch crowd-sourcing music website. That said, the past year has brought changes in policy and implementation which move me to express concerns of a nature less than positive for the first time since I became a supporter, not only of the concept itself, but of many aspiring artists on the platform.

Phil Sommersby

On a positive note, there are two sub-organizations on the website which I support and admire very much. The Dream Team is a group of individual artists organized under the benevolent mentoring of Phil Sommersby. My good friend Phil offers artists the wisdom gleaned from his years in business outside of the music industry. His “out of the box” thinking has proven to be a valuable resource to up and coming artists mired in the old school solutions to new wave problems. Marketing and promotion in the music industry is changing at light speed and Phil’s common sense solutions, positivity and sense of old fashioned perseverance have built a successful track record as no less than five Dreamteamsters  have secured Sellaband recording budgets during 2009. Regardless of changes in policy, members of The Dream Team continue to use the platform to serve their purposes, maintain a positive outlook and reap the rewards of Phil’s sensible eye over their shoulders.

collaboration proj

The Collaboration Project, under the watchful eye of composer/producer Casper Van Vulpen, is having mixed success in financial terms but if it is indeed “all about the music,” then this project is the Viagra of Sellaband. Most users of the boner-inducing “vitamin V” are not aware that it was first developed for use in treating blood pressure deficiency. In much the same way, The Collaboration Project began as a collaborative effort to raise funding for a compilation album of Sellaband artists but has morphed into a clearing house for side projects which are turning out collaborative songs and productions by artists, writers and producers from all over the ever shrinking virtual world. The latest effort includes songs written by Monica Thomas, Mark Payne, aka Dreb Hacklett of Sheet Metal, Casper Van Vulpen, Kostek Andreev and Lille Mulder and will be available worldwide this spring. Members of The Collaboration Project have joined forces in developing quite an effective production team and it wouldn’t surprise me to see a successful move toward establishing this team as an option for other Sellaband artists who may think that name producers working at a fraction of their normal fees can insure success. These guys are serious.

On the flip side of Sellaband’s 2009, there are three developments which I have found to be potentially disastrous and which only the loyalty of the old guard believers can overcome if Sellaband is to continue to become an important force in the evolution of the music industry. In no order of importance, they are:

1. The look, construction and functionality of the website. The SAB forums document the disaster and subsequent fixes that have resulted in the present incarnation. Many security issues have been satisfactorily addressed and functionality restored but as the proverbial bell cannot be unrung, the damage to Sellaband’s integrity as a commerce site could well be beyond estimation. Navigation through the site is less than intuitive, searching for new music is on a par with browsing through un-alphabetized record bins and buying the music produced by Sellaband is nearly impossible for first time visitors to the site. While Sellaband’s initial priority is to sell parts in future productions, it seems absurd that albums produced by Sellaband artists are nearly invisible and difficult to buy. Yes, there have been answers to these issues but with all due respect to the tech team working hard to make sense of it all, the answers haven’t made complete sense in the real world and Sellaband has not served their own artists as well as they might or should.

2. The new terms and conditions which allow for customized budgetary goals. It used to be a simple plan for artists…post some demos, bring your homegrown support system to the site to get things rolling, sell 5000 parts and boom, you’re in a real studio to live out your dream of making an album with the support of experts in the field. It seems that Sellaband has caved in to artists who believe it can all be done otherwise. Of course it is possible to produce something that sounds relatively like an album for a fraction of what once was a recording budget. But that isn’t the point. The original point of it all was to put unknown or inexperienced artists in contact with people who had made records and were in a position to mentor and develop artists in the ways of producing music on a scale superior to the bedroom studio. But rather than hold fast to the idea of educating and developing talent, Sellaband now allows artists to produce music on the same scale and with the same inevitable results of the typical myspace offerings.

With a budget of $50,000 on the line, there is an understandable expectation of recording quality of even second tier songs. Under the current terms believers are asked to accept well-recorded but underdeveloped material, possible hits recorded in Garageband at Home Studio Inc. and everything between. While it is accepted that there are talented artists who can record great material at a high standard for a fraction of $50,000, it must also be understood that these are exceptions and perhaps Sellaband is not the place for them. Obliterating the original budgetary goal perhaps serves the purposes of a handful of artists but it is a mistake that lowers the standards for what can be expected by those who invest in artists they don’t personally know. And this brings me to what may be the biggest disappointment of 2009…

Maitreya

3. The ambassadorship of Chuck D. What was originally touted by Sellaband as a significant promotional inroad to the U.S. music buying public is fast turning into a public relations comedy of errors. One can almost hear the pies hitting the side of the building as Public Enemy’s ship floats motionless in the doldrums of believer apathy. Many thought that whistling Chuck D. on board would signal a turning point for artists like New Zealand Hip-Hopper Maitreya, Sellaband’s most viable artist of the genre to date. But instead of using the influence of a successful career and notoriety to help Sellaband or its artists, Chuck and Public enemy elbowed themselves up to the trough to get their own…establishing a goal five times the budget at the time and at a buy-in price of 250% the norm.

This tactic may have seemed like just the braggadocio needed to pique the interest of the American public but coinciding with the financial disaster that has befallen first America and then every international economy sucking at the teat of the U.S. financial industry, the direction taken by Public Enemy and sanctioned by Sellaband has done damage that will not be undone easily. When Babe Ruth pointed to the cheap seats and declared that the next pitch was ending up there, well, that’s exactly where the next pitch ended up and the episode served to further cement his legendary status. Unfortunately I don’t think that Public Enemy’s plan of attack nor Sellaband’s approval of it will do the same.

And so 2010 begins with unanswered questions, high hopes and hopefully some hard-earned lessons. To all the individuals who share my continued optimism in the promise Sellaband offers, I wish continued success, a hit song and many healthy, prosperous returns of the day. For those who disagree with my assessment, drop me a comment. and to those who have all the answers…get up off your asses and make something good happen. Happy New Year!

When selecting a new automobile the typical buyer usually has a short list of required features that help in the final selection of what will likely be the second most expensive investment made by the modern consumer. There was a time when options such as disc brakes, automatic transmission and engine size were at the top of the list. But, as the things that made the car go, and stop for that matter, became less important than comfort features, things like climate control and the quality of the sound system became more important to the buyer. Power windows, alloy wheels, seat belts and airbags, once considered luxuries, are expected as standard equipment.

This shift of importance from what makes a car go to what makes a car comfortable while on the go has had a profound effect on the dynamics of the modern family. Both parents now drive to work in their feature-laden car in order to earn the cash to…well, pay for the car that takes them to work. And a large portion of whatever is left will go to buying all the shit that parents hope will keep the kids busy while they go to work so they can afford the comfortable car that brings them back home with a car load of fast food so they can ignore the kids long enough to get some sleep, nod to the kids at breakfast with a promise to text them from the car which takes them back to work so they can earn the cash to buy the aforementioned shit. Yes, that was a run-on sentence but it was necessary in order to describe the run-on existence experienced by the next generation of future fast food night-managers.

The point is, does all the consumer electronics crap stashed under little Johnny’s bed and littering his desk make up for the loss of human contact resulting from the need for more stuff? Every airport gate is loaded with bestsellers on the subject of increasing return on what’s left of our investments. But what investment can possibly be more crucial than the minds of our children? Sure, Garageband is a mother of a program, but can it replace an hour a week with a human mentor? Does a cargo container of iPods have more intrinsic value than a high school music teacher?

The dolts who decide who will get the tax dollars they can’t hide in their own trouser pockets have, over the course of enough years so as to make the change as imperceptible as rock erosion, created an educational system which resembles a flashy new feature-rich car. Multi-media gizmos, smartboards, local networks on which students can turn in essays lifted from wikipedia…why some urban schools even sport the latest in explosive detection devices. We’ve done a great job in using technology to get young minds ready for the challenging jobs of tomorrow.

But, and this is a huge but, the criminals in control of the purse strings have left out a few features that rightfully belong in the “standard equipment” category. They’ve been so busy skimming their share from the suppliers of optional equipment that they’ve omitted the things that make the car a mode of transportation in favor of the bells and whistles that make a car just fun to sit in.

Studies strongly indicate that early education in the arts is crucial to cognitive thinking. Teaching children how to learn during the formative years is a critical component of education.Our public school systems have become obsessed with raising standardized test scores while stripping the curriculum of the very subjects that would allow student to learn to learn. Nope, that wasn’t a typo. Sadly, this obsession results from the mandated requirements tied to government funding. Inflated test scores have become more important than training children how to think and learn in much the same way as the concept of fame has supplanted talent in measuring the viability of popular performing artists.

Silverlake Conservatory

My harangue notwithstanding, there are a few sources of light at the end of the tunnel. One beacon shining brightly in the sky over Los Angeles is the Silverlake Conservatory. Founded in 2001 by Red Hot Chili Peppers’ bassist, Flea, and friend Keith Barry, Silverlake Conservatory has stepped in to fill the unconscionable void left in primary school education by those who would like us to believe that teaching to standardized tests has more value than exploration of the arts.

The Conservatory is a non-profit school which offers private music lessons as well as ensemble classes at reasonable rates. And, in following its mission statement that “The study of music enriches the life of the student as well as the community and society…” the Conservatory grants scholarships and provides free lessons and instruments to children in need. Flea, Keith Barry and their music school have found a way to invest in the most important resource the community has to offer and the return on their investment will be realized by anyone who comes into contact with the students who learn how to learn at the Sunset Blvd. facility.

The scholarships, free instruments and lessons offered by the Silverlake Conservatory are funded in large part by the school’s annual Hullabaloo, which features student performances as well as appearances by well known music icons. This years fundraiser, scheduled for October 31, promises not to disappoint. The Halloween-themed event will be more than just a concert and will include silent auctions, dancing, food and drinks. More information on the event can be found on the school website.

So, while you’re stuck in traffic in your $50,000 climate-controlled, 5,000 watt stereo bubble of comfort wondering what your next investment should be, make a voice-activated note on your personal phone/music/video/gaming/scheduling device to save October 31, 2009. It might be your best investment in today’s financial climate.

UPDATE: I am informed by both Maitreya and Sellaband head Johan Vosmeijer that introductions have indeed been made prior to the posting of this article. Apparently Mr. Vosmeijer’s inbox has been bombarded with emails lobbying for that which is in the works already. Kudos to Sellaband for jumping on this and I hope that his inbox is equally bombarded with supportive messages.

The recent press release from Sellaband may not, on the surface, be particularly significant for those artists on the Sellaband roster who toil away in genres other than Hip Hop. But looking at the development of Sellaband teaming up with Hip Hop icon Chuck D. and his BTN Eastlink company from a purely business-minded point of view should give every Sellaband artist pause to reflect on how this partnership can ultimately generate the interest in the Sellaband concept that will open the U.S. market to artists of all musical styles. The object of this exercise is to sell music as well as the concept.  Sellaband now finds itself perfectly positioned to bring this about.

Maitreya

Of the artists to have completed the process of raising a budget and completing an album, there is one who stands out head and shoulders as being the most logical laboratory rat for this experiment. Maitreya is a Hip Hop rapper from faraway New Zealand whose Sellaband journey has paralleled the company history. As the first and most prominent Hip Hop artist on the label, he is probably second only to Sellaband head Johan Vosmeijer in frequent flyer miles, having appeared on numerous Sellaband concerts and functions in Europe as well as recording his album Close To Home in London, New York and New Zealand.

A self-professed apostle of Chuck D. and Public Enemy, Maitreya is an evolutionary mutation that could only have occurred under specific environmental circumstances. Broadcast media brought Public Enemy to Maitreya in his formative years. Fairly recent developments in low budget/high quality recording made it possible for Maitreya to share his music in a way unthinkable ten years ago. The internet brought Maitreya before a worldwide audience which facilitated the budgeting of his album. And now Maitreya finds himself  just one degree of separation from having his music placed into the hands and ears of a company operated by his most respected mentor by proxy. All that remains to close the circle is for Johan Vosmeijer to say the words, “Maitreya, meet Chuck D.”

Why is this the right move for Sellaband to make and why should non Hip Hop Sellaband artists be lobbying heavily for Maitreya to carry the Sellaband banner into the U.S. market? Using Maitreya’s Close To Home as a battering ram to open the doors of the American public to Sellaband is not only a no-brainer, it is a win, win, win situation. Sellaband did not look to Los Angeles or Nashville, it looked to the icon of the New York Hip Hop world for its wedge. With a commitment in hand from Chuck D. to be the their U.S. ambassador, Sellaband, consciously or not, has taken a stand as to the direction the company will pursue at the onset of American involvement.

For a company to deem an artist worthy of development and exploitation, the artist must be special. Not only must the product be of high quality, there must be a hook, a story that makes an undeniable case for proceeding full steam ahead. Labels don’t push artists for any reason other than the potential of that artist to generate funds and interest in other artists on the label. Maitreya fits the mold as if the role were written with him in mind and the timing is perfect. Positive and diligent endorsement of his album from Chuck D’s company will do much to get Close To Home on American Radio and usage in other media.

Chuck D. has the opportunity of introducing a unique artist from the other side of the world to the American audience in a genre he has dominated for years. Sellaband has the opportunity to generate in Maitreya the breakout artist it desperately needs to become a major player in the industry. And when Close To Home becomes a household word, every Sellaband artist with a professional level package and a story to tell will be that much closer to getting attention from more than just the loyal fans who came together to finance their projects.

Maitreya

Can Sellaband make this happen? Undoubtedly. Will Sellaband make this happen? The answer to this question is what everyone in the Sellaband community should be lobbying for as the potential of this relationship could have a massive effect on hundreds of artists across genre delineations. Breaking an artist is not something to be taken lightly and if done without a high level of commitment can be an exercise in futility. The table is now set for Sellaband, BTN Eastlink and Maitreya to make a strong move in a direction that couldn’t be more mutually beneficial.

The exploitation of artistic content is the goal and the duty of a label and publishing entity. Making recordings is only the first step in a long process of which most young artists and the public in general remain ignorant. The landscape of today’s popular music scene is littered with more content than at any time in the history of recording. Winnowing through the haystacks for exploitable material is a gamble and heads roll when bad choices are made.

Maitreya’s Close To Home is a no-brainer for everyone involved. Making it happen will require follow through. Artists and believers in the Sellaband community need to understand the positive impact this could have on them and act accordingly in communicating with the powers that be. Chuck D. and BTN Eastlink need to see dollar signs in Maitreya’s album and act accordingly as well. Maitreya needs to be true to his well-developed roots and stand ready to kick the serious brand of ass that an endorsement from someone of Chuck D.’s stature would demand. And finally, Johan Vosmeijer needs to get the ball rolling and say the magic words, “Maitreya, meet Chuck D.”

Plagiarism in music is nothing new…damn, I think I just made a very weak joke. But back to the subject, plagiarism is probably the strongest term available to define a phenomena that occurs almost every time a composer sets out to write a popular song. The vast majority of contemporary pop music is written within the framework of major and minor scales containing just seven notes. Pop songs must, by definition, be singable or at least digestable by a wide audience and it is no surprise to find that short sequences of recognizable melodic fragments can be common to songs which are otherwise unrelated. Unconsciously quoting melodic fragments and writing new melodies over standard chord sequences have been practiced throughout the history of music but the concept of intellectual property rights and the evolution of the human sub-species “Attornicus Bill-able Hour-icus” have made for some interesting noises being made in the name of ownership protection.

Enanitos Verdes

Joe Satriani’s recently filed lawsuit against Coldplay alleges that the main ingredient of Viva La Vida comes straight out of Satch’s If I Could Fly cookbook. If the two recordings were the only evidence offered in the case Joe’s day in court should be a short as one even my great-uncle Ludwig, born earless as an anvil, would recognize the recordings as two versions of the same basic material. Ah, but if the arbiter of justice were to scratch the surface he may find that Satriani had Frances Limon by Enanito Verdes playing in the other room while he was cooking up If I could Fly. If past cases are any indication this could go on for longer than it will remain interesting. For my money all three parties should holster their wieners, ditch the lawyers and unite in a world tour “Battle of the Bands.” Let the fans decide and in case of a tie they can arm wrestle.

Quoting, borrowing and outright theft are just a matter of degree and it would be interesting to apply the third degree in addition to paperwork when registering new songs. Lie detectors, rubber hoses and sleep deprivation…the works. I’ve always felt badly for George Harrison and the My Sweet Lord business. Sensitive gentleman that Sir George was, he was so intensely browbeaten with that He’s So Fine bullshit for so long that he might have actually believed he was capable of stealing from a song he didn’t give two shits about.

The Ghost Busters Theme was found to be cut a bit too closely from the same cloth as Huey Lewis’ I want A New Drug, but you could easily replace the vocal from either song with Van Morrison’s track from Gloria without too much bleeding. So again, the question arises, who took what from whom? Only the lawyers can arrive at legal answers but my twisted ear has made some interesting observations, some more plain than others. An obvious example is the way a Mexican folk song like La Bamba became a rock and roll classic for Ritchie Valens. The chord sequence was used by The Isley Brothers whose Twist and Shout became a Beatles hit which was re-borrowed by The Olympics for their 1965 song Good Lovin’ which became a hit for the Young Rascals in 1965. Who said recycling was a new idea?

How about the similarity between the rhythm tracks of Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean and Billie Ocean’s Caribbean Queen? I can’t help but notice how you can interchange verse, chorus and bridge sections between Every Breath You Take by The Police and the Leo Sayers hit Love You More Than I Can Say without too much trouble. A medley of the two songs could leave you wondering which section belongs to which song. And whenever I hear Beck’s Loser I want to break out in the nah na na na-na-na-nah final chorus of Hey Jude. To get ridiculous for a moment, I wonder if Kurt Cobain was having a Partridge Family flashback when he wrote Smells Like Teen Spirit which sounds like a twist on the hook from I Think I Love You.

Smith

To get away from contemporary pop music for a moment, I wonder how many Americans are aware that Francis Scott Key’s lyrics of the Star Spangled Banner are actually set to the music of the Anacreontic Song (melody by John Stafford Smith, published by Longman & Broderip, London, 1778) which was supposedly used as a sort of field sobriety test in England because of the difficulty of its execution. Small wonder that the National Anthem is butchered with such regularity by otherwise competent singers.

Isaac

As early as the fifteenth century composers were openly lifting popular melodies as themes in their major works. Heinrich Isaac’s Missa Carminum incorporated Innsbruck Ich Muss Dich Lassen and Bruder Conrad, both popular German folk songs, as major themes. There is speculation that this was done to increase attendance among local commoners but I wonder if the church ever thought to contact or compensate the original composers.

In addition to the five-fingered discount resulting from the limited note sequence variations inherent in our system of major/minor scale structure, there exist a few standard chord sequences that account for literally thousands of popular songs. There is the obvious 12 bar blues, or “Johnny B. Goode” changes, the minor blues sometimes referred to as “Summertime” changes and “Ice Cream” or “Doo-wop” changes. With slight variations these chord sequences are required reading for anyone studying Songwriting 101. Add the sequence from George Gershwin’s I Got Rhythm commonly called “Rhythm changes” and any songwriter can start cranking out hits without too much fuss.

Biblically speaking, there is not much new under the sun neither is there much new in the pop charts. Plagiarism, or the art of causing thine to become mine, has been around since man learned to get his dinner by imitating duck noises. In the big picture it is a fairly recent development for ‘A’ to demand compensation from ‘B’ for something originally stolen by ‘C’ from a long dead ‘D’. It was inevitable that once we learned to bray on our hind legs displaying our shortcomings, law suits and the suits who file them wouldn’t be far behind.

There are completely original pop songs being written everyday but don’t hold your breath to hear them on the radio anytime soon. Program directors want to know two things. One, what are you going to put in the trunk of my car if I give your new song a spin? And two, who does this recording sound like? If the second question can’t be answered quickly, the first question won’t really matter much. As to the Satriani/Coldplay affair, the fatted calf will end up in the maw of Attornicus Bill-able Hour-icus, Satriani’s fans will show their support by buying a few tee-shirts and downloading more bootleg tracks and Coldplay will continue to spend their leisure time counting money.

I am at my wit’s end. Am I going nuts or having auditory hallucinations? Nope, they are real…I’m hearing bells. And I hear them EVERY MORNING…EVERY HOUR! The church around the corner has gone back to a time when ringing bells on the hour was a public service and it has become the bane of my existence.

I frequently work late into the early morning hours and wake up on my own at about 10:00 am. If I’m working on music I do so with headphones in deference to my neighbors sleep/work schedules. Up to now I have had no problems getting my 5-7 hours of sleep with only an occasional leafblower rattling me into premature consciousness. But about two weeks ago someone must have donated a new speaker system to that damned church and by god they are using it. I mean, it’s not as if the villagers are huddled around the tower wondering what time it is. Even the neighborhood dogs have mobile phones for chrissakes.

And so, every hour on the hour I’m treated to that obnoxious Big Ben “Ding Dong Ding Dong…Ding Dong Ding Dong. Then, after a slight pause during which I almost slip back into dreamland, the infernal tower peals the hours…Doong…Doong…Doong and whatever I might have been dreaming is lost forever. Why can’t they be good neighbors like me and go the headphone route? They could put a listening kiosk on their property and any of the congregation desirous of bells for breakfast could go there and listen to those odious out of tune bastards on a voluntary basis.

Well, I was considering taking action but decided to do some research into the history of the offending party. I found little at the public library and was stonewalled by the church’s own archivist but one evening, while commiserating over a beer at the local bar I was approached by an old-timer named Nils Percheron who noticed that I was muttering “goddamned bells” repeatedly into my beer glass. He tapped me on the shoulder, looked both directions as if we were being watched and said, “Are you the guy digging into the old bell story?” I wondered what there was to be so secretive about and nodded. He led me to a booth at the back of the bar and told me the full story. As it turns out, the story of the bells is full of small town intrigue, civic shame and resulted in a cover-up second only to Watergate. This is the story as Nils Percheron told it to me.

The scene of the crime

“One day, years ago back in the days of real bells, the bell ringing rope had been inexplicably removed under suspicious circumstances. The town bell ringer was thus unemployed and his position quietly passed unnoticed from the public eye (and ear). When the old minister passed to his just reward a young new minister came to the post hell bent on reform. One of his first actions was to restore the hourly bells to his clock-less congregation. An ad was placed and candidates for the bell-ringing job were interviewed, hired and, one by one, fired for various reasons. The first for mere tardiness, another for drinking on the job and a third for using the bell tower as a midnight trysting place…which would have gone undetected had the shrubbery at the base of the tower not been upholstered with the choir director’s wife’s undergarments one Christmas morning. And so the bells were silent once again.

At this time, Monrovia was becoming known for its yearly crop of excellent walnuts and no walnuts were as good as those coming from Joe Sr.’s Walnut Grove just outside the eastern city limit. Joe Sr’s secret was that he left the walnuts on the trees about a week longer than most growers and his harvesting method was unique. Joe Sr. had twin sons who were born with the defect of having no arms. Joe Sr., not being one to dwell on misfortune, raised Joe Jr. and JoJo to work on the farm despite their shortage of upper limbs and they became locally celebrated as the “Nut-Knocker Twins.” Every season from the time they were old enough to stand on a ladder, Joe Jr. and JoJo would go up the ladder at precisely 7:00 am and knock the nuts out of the trees with their foreheads which, after years of nut knocking, had acquired an inch thick layer of muscle and callous.

The third silence of the bells occurred just at nut-knocking season and, as there was no clock at Joe Sr.’s farm to call the twins to their post, the crop was almost lost. Joe Sr. was not a religious man and the loss of good timing caused him to curse the clock tower in a way that led the armless Joe Jr. to take matters into his own hands. Joe Jr. went to the church and applied for the job of bell-ringer. The new minister, happy to have an applicant but new to the town and unaware of the locally famous “Nut-Knocker Twins,” did not let Joe’s apparent lack of tools with which to ring the bells go unnoticed. “But my son,” he asked, “How do you intend to ring the bells?” “Aw jesus Reverend…no disrespect intended,” Joe Jr. answered. “just let me at those babies and I’ll show you!”

And so the young minister led Joe Jr. up the rickety staircase to the landing at the top of the bell tower. Joe Jr. took a stance on the window ledge and, balanced on his right leg, gave the enormous bell a push with his left and braced himself. As the bell rebounded, he struck it with his muscular forehead and the bell responded, pealing over the valley for the first time in some months. The young minister looked on amazed as Joe Jr. repeated the exercise. Unfortunately, on the fourth rebound, Joe Jr. who was a natural showoff, pushed a bit harder than he should have and the rebounding bell followed through. Joe Jr. shot through the arched window, cleared the shrubs, and landed on the street below.

By the time the young minister reached the bloody stain formerly known as Joe Jr., rescue workers had arrived at the scene. Seeing the minister praying over the unrecognizable Nut-Knocker, the emergency doctor asked him, “Reverend, do you know this man?” To which the young minister answered, “No, not really, but his face rings a bell.”

“Okay, okay, wait…there’s more.” Nils sputtered under a lager shower. So I helped him wipe what was left of my beer from his greasy hair and he went on… “When Joe Jr. failed to come home that day, the family put two and two together and correctly surmised that the carcass hauled away from the vicinity of the bell tower was in fact one of their own. Now The remaining 50% of the Nut-Knocker Twins was not a member of the faith but burdened with a fierce sense of family honor led JoJo straight to the church to redeem the family name.

The young minister, guilt-ridden by his part in the previous day’s occurrence was visibly shaken at the sight of what he took to be the dead Nut-Knocker standing in the entry of the churchyard. Finding that this was indeed Joe Jr.’s twin brought only temporary relief as now he was certain to be found out and punished “on earth as in heaven” so to speak. Mincing no words and citing family honor as his motive, JoJo demanded that he be allowed to resume his brother’s post. Once again the young minister found himself leading an armless man up the treacherous stairs to the belfry. JoJo took his post and, after saying a few words about vindicating his failed brother’s name, spat into his palms, rubbed them together and set to work.” I shot a glance at Nils and he admitted that the last part was strictly figurative…but that’s what he would have done if he had hands to spit into.

“Well,” he continued, “old JoJo took his perch on the window ledge as his brother had done the previous day, cocked back his well developed forehead and set those bells to ringing. The minister thought his troubles were over and JoJo celebrated by taking a triumphant stance just as the bell came back around from it’s last swing. As if in slow motion, JoJo was catapulted through the open window, landing with a melon-like crunch inches away from the spot last occupied by his own brother. The young minister found himself praying over his second unrecognizable lump of former Nut-Knocker as the ambulance arrived. “Reverend” the doctor asked, “do you know THIS man?” And, choosing his words carefully to elide suspicion, the minister replied, “No, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.”

Well, alright, I admit it. It’s a horrible joke! But hell, with these goddamned bells dragging me out of bed before I’m ready this is just the kind of crap that has to be let out to dry. And the worst thing is that, even if I lay down for a nap, I know that just as I start catching that really good deep sleep, fifty-nine minutes will have elapsed and the nightmarish din will start up again. My nerves are shot.